Manna

I’ve always kind of liked money. I like earning it, I like saving it, and I like spending it. It’s been a healthy balance over the years; we don’t spend more than we make, we put a little something into savings, we’re frugal when we spend, and we try to be generous when we give. Experts might quibble with some of our methods, but over the years that approach has served us well. When income has been steady, we’ve continued to be careful—and grateful. There have also been lean times, but we’ve gotten through.

Over the past couple of years it’s been lean, and recently we thought we were turning a corner, but then we hit one of those seasons where we’ve had several unexpected—and a couple expected—triple-digit expenses, and college tuition bills will be rolling in any day now.  I am a worrier by nature, and I lately finances are my biggest concern. I worry and pray…and still worry.

At this late stage of my life, you’d think I would have a little more faith. Many times in life our finances could best be described as a miracle: on paper, we should never be able to do what we have done. But like the biblical story of the widow of Zarephath, somehow there is always enough for us to keep going. Even now, when I feel like we are living on the edge, we have so much to be grateful for, and a lot of material wealth. We still live in a beautiful house that we are able to heat and cool, we still eat well, we’ve got some money in our retirement accounts, and we’re still carving out a little money to do a few fun things. We have medical insurance and jobs and access to good public education. Compared to most of the rest of the world, we are rich indeed.

When I compare my stressors to the things that keep my friends up at night—children in trouble with relationships or drugs, individuals with unexplained or untreatable medical problems, the pain of being chronically discriminated against, the deep sadness of the loss of a loved one—my problems seem pretty small. Problems that can be fixed with money might be the best kinds of problems to have, because it means there is the potential for a solution. Lots of problems aren’t like that.

So I play a little game in my head: What’s the worst thing that can happen? Whenever my worry is money, the worst conclusion I can come to is that we would have to sell the house. Although this would not be my first choice, it’s not really such a horrible thing. And there are a hundred smaller things that we could do before it would come to the point of selling. See? Everything is going to be fine.

Unless the worst case scenario involves harm to a human being, it’s not worth worrying about. So I work on replacing worry with prayer, and replacing concern for self with concern for others. It’s not easy. I think I like to worry; I’ve been doing it a long time, and I’m good at it. Just ask my husband. He’s a worrier, too, but somehow the two of us balance each other. He’ll hug me and say, “We’ve faced way bigger problems than this. It’s going to be okay.”

I know he’s right. We’ve faced some hard stuff, and we will likely face difficult times in the future, but we’ve also experienced everyday miracles for as long as we’ve been together.  There’s no reason to lose faith now.

Note: the story of the widow of Zarephath is found in 1 Kings 17:8-16: “Then the word of the Lord came to him:  ‘Go at once to Zarephath in the region of Sidon and stay there. I have directed a widow there to supply you with food.’  So he went to Zarephath. When he came to the town gate, a widow was there gathering sticks. He called to her and asked, ‘Would you bring me a little water in a jar so I may have a drink?’ As she was going to get it, he called, ‘And bring me, please, a piece of bread.’

 ‘As surely as the Lord your God lives,’ she replied, ‘I don’t have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little olive oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die.’

 Elijah said to her, ‘Don’t be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small loaf of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son.  For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: “The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord sends rain on the land.”’

 She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family.  For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the Lord spoken by Elijah.”