One Year

I wrote this piece nearly a year ago. Kelsey was fighting some pretty powerful demons at that time. Today, on the anniversary of what was her darkest day, I'm so happy to see her continue to emerge as the amazing person she is and is becoming. 

For Kelsey, as she turns 19

Since your birth, we’ve shared a love for Disney films. We know all the characters, all of the lines, and of course all of the songs. I know some people blame these movies for their own distorted notions about life and love, but to these people I want to say, “You do realize that animals don’t talk or do the dishes, and fairy godmothers and enchantresses and pixies and flying carpets—you do realize they’re not real, right? Grow up!” These movies are fantasies, to be sure, but I think the stories and the characters are often more complex than we give them credit for.  As we get older, it’s up to us to find the deeper lessons and find ways to apply them to our lives.

I like your new mantra, “I’m the hero of this story.” It’s thoughtful, it’s to the point, and it’s true. You play the most important role in your own life, and that includes taking responsibility for getting yourself out of difficult spots. It means taking initiative and not placing blame, and sometimes it means taking your lumps. Sometimes that means fighting demons and darkness. But I have no doubt that you can win the fight. You are your own hero.

But you’re more than the hero. You’re also the princess: beautiful, kindhearted, spunky, with a great voice (and a tendency to burst into song for no reason). You’ve got big dreams, and with your talent and some hard work, there’s no reason to believe that those dreams can’t come true. You have a lot to offer to the world, and to your own story.

And some days you’re the villain: witty, a little snarky, a little dark. Disney villains in particular are interesting characters and can be a source of comic relief, but inevitably they become obsessed with some long-ago hurt, real or imagined. For them, living in the past is the road to madness. So be careful not to sabotage yourself by dwelling on what was, or what might have been. Learn from the past, but focus on the future.

Also remember that, while you are the center of your own life, you play an important supporting role in many, many other lives. You enrich our stories in innumerable ways, some that are obvious, and some that you may never know. You have so much value to so many, and that value will only increase as you mature. By the same token, there are many who play supporting roles in your life. Even when you’re alone in the spotlight, remember that all of us are only a breath away, and while the scene is yours to carry, we’ll be there to support you when you need it.

Unlike the plays you auditioned for in high school, in real life you’re not assigned a part, but you get to choose the part you want to play in any given scene. You don’t need to be the same person all the time, and each part can be interesting and valuable, but there’s one part you need to avoid playing: the victim. You’re definitely not this. Self-pity does not look good on you, and it has no place in this story.

So you’re the hero, but you’re not some two-dimensional romantic lead who sweeps in at the last minute, but a hero more like Indiana Jones: genuine, complex, and slightly flawed, someone who confesses to making it up as you go. You can’t control everything that happens, but you can control how you respond to events. Learn to respond with grace and courage. You’ve got a great life ahead of you.